Indian men are already beginning to celebrate as the annual
Assam Rape Festival is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will
have the chance
to flee to safety or get raped.
Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told
reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in
Assam dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. We rape the evil demons out of the girls,
otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them.
So it is necessary for everyone.” The Assam Festival began
in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu molested everyone in his village of
Doomdooma.
Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this
event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called “The
Baalkrishan”. 24-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar told reporters that he has been
training all year for this event. “I’m going to get the most rapes this year.
I’ve been practicing all year. I rape my sister and her
friends every day. I will be rape superstar number one! I will get the
Baalkrishan prize this year for sure!” 12-year-old Jaitashri Majumdar told
reporters she almost made it through last year’s festival without getting
ra*ped. “I came so close to not getting raped.
I almost got to the ‘rape-free-zone’ at the edge of town,
but at the last minute 9 men jumped on me and molested me.
Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in
this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”
34-year-old Brian Barnett from Toronto who is visiting Assam
on business told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year. “My
company did not tell me anything about a rape festival happening while I was
here. Are you serious, a rape festival? I’m getting the fuck out of this
backwards country tonight.” India is second in reported rapes in the world only
behind the United States, though critics are quick to point out that is only
because most rapes in India go unreported.
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